wasteland

its growing darker, i can hardly see... whatever it is, is coming after me... theres no where to run theres no where to hide its just me and my fucked up mind... im being pulled against my will... they speak as if they know whats best for me.... they tell tales of my haunting memories.... here is a place that my skin begins to itch... i itch away becoming flesh and bleed it away.... little bits of me being torn off bit by bit... until theres nothing left of it.... i hold my ears and scream for help... but no one can hear me cause im all alone.... they'll feed on whatever suits them best... i am weak, i will not fight this fight.... peel my lids from off my eyes, to see the horrible being ive become... i shake down and i cry.... i see nothing anymore... i am bare broken and sore.... i do not feel laughter nor do i feel joy... its all just a weeping fantasy i left at the door.... pull my fingernails from their place... feed them to me to show me that theres life left in me.... but i wont notice anything.... i have become just a faded memory, lost and confused about why i staying here.... i close my eyes buy all i see is death... when i open my eyes all i see is sadness and fear.... there is no imagination theres nothing to make up... im a disease that will someday eat everybody up... i will feed on souls and torture those who stay.... making life miserable every god damn day.... i am a ruiner cant you see.... fucking helpless piece of shit thats wasting up taking up space needed for a better entity... eat my heart it will crumble like coal.... it is hollow and voided because ive lost and hurt so.... i try my best to be friendly and nice... but i have nothing to talk about because i know no other horrible life.... i cant fucking talk about anything else? understand that? nothing!!!!!! all i know is this horrible piece of life i have... i dont leave or go anywhere... i do not laugh... i cry all the time... im desperately sad... i feel like shit all the time.... if i am smiling im hiding tears... its just a front to make you shut the fuck up... im dead inside dont you see? nothing else lives inside me? im wasting away my wretched life... wondering where ever the hell i went.... i do not see where i will come to be anything else.... i was meant for this not anything else.... im failure at everything i have done and tried... i feel cursed and despised.... take whats left of me and just throw it away... no one even has hope in me anyway..... im a lost cause that will never be well... justa  burden to all and a nightmare to bare.... id apologize but it just wouldnt be fair... cause my sorries get me no where.... i wish they'd just fucking take me just as i am... fucking bury me 6 feet under and let me rot there... then all can be forgotten... then i wont hardly be missed.... i can stop overwheming everyone and be a torturous being...

if im still there deep inside.... come find a way out and make me smile.... take all this away and show me to forget... without all the drugs but i do not think you can....

away (short)

i think he stays gone to stay away from me.... who wants to be around me anyways.?

hard hit to me

this hit me hard...

The girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & lost over 30lbs. The boy you just called stupid? Has a learning disability & studies over 4 hours a night. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting on make-up, hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's alot more to people than you think

 i feel like it was written for me.... i cried when i saw it... i wish everyone could see this...

tomorrow it will be gone

as the pill fades away and my eyes become heavy i know for at least 4 more days i will be sleeping... asleep from all this pain and asleep from all this worry to wake up for a new pill... a new pill to keep me awake through my insanity... my highs and lows.... the deep depressions and hollows i go.... nothing ever seems to fix the dark side.... but i cant lay my troubles on anyone anymore... because im too much to handle for everyone.... so i must keep to myself... and never wander from this house.... hold it all in for as long as i possibly can.... never will i become a beautiful butterfly... to spread my wings and just fly fly fly... instead ill remain locked in this cocoon, trapped with my demons and my tragic memories....  soon ill be forgotten and everyone will leave.... wondering whatever happened to me.... im a burden to everyone im come in contact with... i ruin relationships and cant even have close friends.... its not even a mystery why ive lost everyone... cause ive become everything doug said i would.... so sleep sleep while i can take away this horrible pain... let them all feel free from me... just for a few days i dont exist to anyone but me... i hate to sleep and lose my life... but its the only way out.... and without that pill to keep me awake its only sad for a couple hours a day.... so begin to forget all that ive said... ive put too much on top of your head... i cannot take just this abandonment anymore... ill be much better all alone... 

dexter

you're my little man, that i love so much... youre not yourself today i dont know why.... i wish you could talk and tell me whats wrong... ive never felt so helpless.... my buddy ive had you since you were a puppy... you always know when im crying... you snuggle with me until my tears are gone... im sorry youre getting older, but you still seemed so young... are you trying to tell me something i just dont understand? why didnt you come to greet me tonight? why were you just sitting there earlier and staring? i didnt realize how much i loved you till im faced with this... before torch died he acted really weird... please dont leave me at such a young age.... i promise to show you more love each and every single day.... ill save a spot for you on the couch tonight.... just me and you buddy ill hold you tight.... youre not eating the meat pieces in the fresh new bowl of food.... thats one of your favorite things to do.... i dont think i can go through losing my first pup.... i hope so much that he is not sick at all.... please just let it be that hes tired today.... but he was outside  barking so i dont know what to think...

dexter dexter my baby boy.... i love you with my heart and my loving soul.... if it werent for you id be lost a long time ago.... you always needed me and i never let go... you've had this look of sadness in your eyes lately... i dont know if its because paisley gets all the attention... that will change... you are just as loved as she is... just cause youre not small doesnt mean you cant lay on top of me.... i will walk you and make you thinner.... i will take you outside and throw the ball all day if you wanna.... make it through tonight and ill somehow come up with the money to take you to the vet and find out whats bothering you...

i love you dexter

rolling against it all

I'm not really here, but I don't know if I wanna stay... I need release from it all and there's no way out... The pain itches like a cats claw against the broken flesh of the impurity I reflect. I seek no nourishment I will not repent... I feel you all breathe inside me taking each breath... Making it harder to breathe as if I have smoked thousands of cigarettes... I ache like an old woman whose way past her time... Holding on for something one final time... I'm vacant like a hollow heart, yet mine will still be a single beat for the one I love... My skin peels and withers like tainted fruit... I have eaten my apple, its time to rot... Now borrow my soul and feel in insanity I keep... Cry a million tears but there's nothing that can stop them from falling... Its raining constantly, here comes the flood, gather your boats everyone... The young die without innocence... The tragedy of a childhood taken instantly... No remorse, no one to pay... I hope they die in dire pain... Please let this life be a horrible dream, the cut that never heals..

everywhere

im twisting and turning... dont know where to go... i just wish that i could stop the world... and hop off
im very tired and worn so thin... so much bothering me i can barely stand it....
what have i become my sweetest friend?
im not what i used to be and am not becoming any better...
i lost the brightness in my eyes...
i lost the fun in my soul
i forgot what it was like to be young
now i just feel oh so very old....

im falling from death no angels to catch my fall... faith has failed me... unforgiven i remain
this is no place for me here... i shouldnt remain....

what if there was that perfect fix... a place to go and just be at peace... wake up one day and everything is okay... the sadness is gone the pain is a memory.... nothing seems to bother me, because i just was fixed beyond belief...