wasteland

its growing darker, i can hardly see... whatever it is, is coming after me... theres no where to run theres no where to hide its just me and my fucked up mind... im being pulled against my will... they speak as if they know whats best for me.... they tell tales of my haunting memories.... here is a place that my skin begins to itch... i itch away becoming flesh and bleed it away.... little bits of me being torn off bit by bit... until theres nothing left of it.... i hold my ears and scream for help... but no one can hear me cause im all alone.... they'll feed on whatever suits them best... i am weak, i will not fight this fight.... peel my lids from off my eyes, to see the horrible being ive become... i shake down and i cry.... i see nothing anymore... i am bare broken and sore.... i do not feel laughter nor do i feel joy... its all just a weeping fantasy i left at the door.... pull my fingernails from their place... feed them to me to show me that theres life left in me.... but i wont notice anything.... i have become just a faded memory, lost and confused about why i staying here.... i close my eyes buy all i see is death... when i open my eyes all i see is sadness and fear.... there is no imagination theres nothing to make up... im a disease that will someday eat everybody up... i will feed on souls and torture those who stay.... making life miserable every god damn day.... i am a ruiner cant you see.... fucking helpless piece of shit thats wasting up taking up space needed for a better entity... eat my heart it will crumble like coal.... it is hollow and voided because ive lost and hurt so.... i try my best to be friendly and nice... but i have nothing to talk about because i know no other horrible life.... i cant fucking talk about anything else? understand that? nothing!!!!!! all i know is this horrible piece of life i have... i dont leave or go anywhere... i do not laugh... i cry all the time... im desperately sad... i feel like shit all the time.... if i am smiling im hiding tears... its just a front to make you shut the fuck up... im dead inside dont you see? nothing else lives inside me? im wasting away my wretched life... wondering where ever the hell i went.... i do not see where i will come to be anything else.... i was meant for this not anything else.... im failure at everything i have done and tried... i feel cursed and despised.... take whats left of me and just throw it away... no one even has hope in me anyway..... im a lost cause that will never be well... justa  burden to all and a nightmare to bare.... id apologize but it just wouldnt be fair... cause my sorries get me no where.... i wish they'd just fucking take me just as i am... fucking bury me 6 feet under and let me rot there... then all can be forgotten... then i wont hardly be missed.... i can stop overwheming everyone and be a torturous being...

if im still there deep inside.... come find a way out and make me smile.... take all this away and show me to forget... without all the drugs but i do not think you can....

away (short)

i think he stays gone to stay away from me.... who wants to be around me anyways.?

hard hit to me

this hit me hard...

The girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & lost over 30lbs. The boy you just called stupid? Has a learning disability & studies over 4 hours a night. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting on make-up, hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's alot more to people than you think

 i feel like it was written for me.... i cried when i saw it... i wish everyone could see this...

tomorrow it will be gone

as the pill fades away and my eyes become heavy i know for at least 4 more days i will be sleeping... asleep from all this pain and asleep from all this worry to wake up for a new pill... a new pill to keep me awake through my insanity... my highs and lows.... the deep depressions and hollows i go.... nothing ever seems to fix the dark side.... but i cant lay my troubles on anyone anymore... because im too much to handle for everyone.... so i must keep to myself... and never wander from this house.... hold it all in for as long as i possibly can.... never will i become a beautiful butterfly... to spread my wings and just fly fly fly... instead ill remain locked in this cocoon, trapped with my demons and my tragic memories....  soon ill be forgotten and everyone will leave.... wondering whatever happened to me.... im a burden to everyone im come in contact with... i ruin relationships and cant even have close friends.... its not even a mystery why ive lost everyone... cause ive become everything doug said i would.... so sleep sleep while i can take away this horrible pain... let them all feel free from me... just for a few days i dont exist to anyone but me... i hate to sleep and lose my life... but its the only way out.... and without that pill to keep me awake its only sad for a couple hours a day.... so begin to forget all that ive said... ive put too much on top of your head... i cannot take just this abandonment anymore... ill be much better all alone... 

dexter

you're my little man, that i love so much... youre not yourself today i dont know why.... i wish you could talk and tell me whats wrong... ive never felt so helpless.... my buddy ive had you since you were a puppy... you always know when im crying... you snuggle with me until my tears are gone... im sorry youre getting older, but you still seemed so young... are you trying to tell me something i just dont understand? why didnt you come to greet me tonight? why were you just sitting there earlier and staring? i didnt realize how much i loved you till im faced with this... before torch died he acted really weird... please dont leave me at such a young age.... i promise to show you more love each and every single day.... ill save a spot for you on the couch tonight.... just me and you buddy ill hold you tight.... youre not eating the meat pieces in the fresh new bowl of food.... thats one of your favorite things to do.... i dont think i can go through losing my first pup.... i hope so much that he is not sick at all.... please just let it be that hes tired today.... but he was outside  barking so i dont know what to think...

dexter dexter my baby boy.... i love you with my heart and my loving soul.... if it werent for you id be lost a long time ago.... you always needed me and i never let go... you've had this look of sadness in your eyes lately... i dont know if its because paisley gets all the attention... that will change... you are just as loved as she is... just cause youre not small doesnt mean you cant lay on top of me.... i will walk you and make you thinner.... i will take you outside and throw the ball all day if you wanna.... make it through tonight and ill somehow come up with the money to take you to the vet and find out whats bothering you...

i love you dexter

rolling against it all

I'm not really here, but I don't know if I wanna stay... I need release from it all and there's no way out... The pain itches like a cats claw against the broken flesh of the impurity I reflect. I seek no nourishment I will not repent... I feel you all breathe inside me taking each breath... Making it harder to breathe as if I have smoked thousands of cigarettes... I ache like an old woman whose way past her time... Holding on for something one final time... I'm vacant like a hollow heart, yet mine will still be a single beat for the one I love... My skin peels and withers like tainted fruit... I have eaten my apple, its time to rot... Now borrow my soul and feel in insanity I keep... Cry a million tears but there's nothing that can stop them from falling... Its raining constantly, here comes the flood, gather your boats everyone... The young die without innocence... The tragedy of a childhood taken instantly... No remorse, no one to pay... I hope they die in dire pain... Please let this life be a horrible dream, the cut that never heals..

everywhere

im twisting and turning... dont know where to go... i just wish that i could stop the world... and hop off
im very tired and worn so thin... so much bothering me i can barely stand it....
what have i become my sweetest friend?
im not what i used to be and am not becoming any better...
i lost the brightness in my eyes...
i lost the fun in my soul
i forgot what it was like to be young
now i just feel oh so very old....

im falling from death no angels to catch my fall... faith has failed me... unforgiven i remain
this is no place for me here... i shouldnt remain....

what if there was that perfect fix... a place to go and just be at peace... wake up one day and everything is okay... the sadness is gone the pain is a memory.... nothing seems to bother me, because i just was fixed beyond belief...

comes and goes

i slept for days
away from this
ansd now i awake
feeling ok
i sneak a pill to keep me alive
just to find out
it might be my despise
i was feeling great
i was up to go
then those damn pills
drug me down so
maybe these months
of sorrow and pain
have been worsen
by a pill
thats mean to keep me awake
its great im being taken off them
but today i was tired of being tired
so i sneaked one of them out
and now i regret it all the way...
or is it cause im awake
reality struck me again
not asleep from all the pain
and it just sinking in
my worries and fears
are becoming overbearing
no silence in this mind
its just never ending
no matter what i do
seems to take me wrong
here i go falling to pieces
quickly and apart
cannot grab them fast enough
cannot push restart....

my birthday hat

here i sit with my birthday hat on... pretty pink cap with baby blue shiny lining... my make up done just right... my hair as cute as can be... a new little outfit with some awesome small heels.... i thought it through head to toe. making it great for my big night out... but my mascara begins to run when the phone never rings... no one wished me a happy birthday... and no cards i received... i kick off the heels when i realize i have no place to go... no one is meeting me... ill be all alone... another birthday in tears realizing how sad my life really is... how no one can stand me... that im some sort of a disease... my game account neighbors will give me birthday wishes online more than my own friends that i know in real life... there will be no unwrapping of any presents of sorts... cause my life is empty and its all my fault... not enough money to take myself out for a birthday dinner, slimfast it is.... i do have andy with me... he can console me while i cry... my last year in my 20's i wanted to go out with a bang... but all it will be is a damn shame...

alice in wonderland demon

Well as some may know I'm an atheist... But some weird shit happened that might have me believing in demons... This is gonna sound completely crazy... But I've been off my antipsychotics for 3 days that I know of... And tonight some beings were trying to get permission from anne, bethanie, and andy to let me disassociate and not pull me out... They promised they were helpers and that they were gonna fix me... They spoke in I guess riddle like rhymes... Anne said alice in wonderland or disney villain kind... They even wrote on my blog explaining their purpose that I do not recall. (Pickle) to me this sounded enticing and great... The said a land of peace and free of pain... I wanted to go but anne knew better (she was first to deal with them) she denied them repeatedly.... She never spoke to them directly always talked to me... I was half responsive but not completely there... She said they were liars some sort of a demon would be the best word not to be trusted and no I couldn't go... They pushed and pushed begging and insisting that they would help, the more I heard the more I wanted... Then bethanie instant messaged me my messages came off confusing... Then they spoke to her she knew what they were exactly... She told me no way I could go I'm staying right there... Offered to come over and stay with me...later bethanie told me, even though I don't believe (I may get this slightly wrong) but I think she said demons need permission to enter the body.... Soon they grew weak and faded away with a double dose of haldol I had stashed away... Aa me and bethanie talked on the phone andy had came home and earlier that night we had a big fight... It got uncomfortable in the room I disassociated without them being there... Andy eventually noticed and pulled me out of it... I cried and cried for a few hours my mind losing site, I had disassociated again and andy started losing patience... I told him he could sleep as I lay there feeling weird... Then my mouth started moving them started asking andy...he was sleeping and couldn't hear they asked again he didn't make out what they said... Fortunately he realized I was disassociative sprayed his cologne everywhere and I came out of it... Now they say they are controllers of the mind but I am broken and they are suffering... Now I wonder what if they are really helpers and someone let's them in and I disassociate and they just let me be... What if they fix me and help all my pain and I come too with a whole new brain... But then I hear about the demon which has always been a fairy tale... But that shit is freaky and I don't wanna let demons in... It all seems odd it could be a delusion like andy thinks...something has asked permission 3 times to let me go tonight... Now them do not come often its rare to see them come... I can't explain them they are like brain shadows... The whisper to me softly but its not a voice inside my head... Its just like I have 2 inner monologues one speaks and one whispers... I don't know why they want me so badly or what their real nature is, or if its a plain delusion but I have know them before...I don't know if they have ever tried to enter any time before... I barely recall what they said tonight... I know I feel weird when they come inside... I get dizzy and my head feels like its full of air... My concentration is completely gone unable to barely complete a task without losing time... If it is demons why they coming after me? Because I denounced my faith and I'm easily targeted? What is their purpose I really don't know...I'm not up on all the bible stuff... It sounds delightful to me to go away from this, get fixed inside and no longer worry about pain... But everyone warns they are lies to stay away... But for some reason I can't let them in myself...I don't understand why the need someone else... But I'm gonna be cautious yet still a skeptic, and not take a chance of letting a demon inside me... Though I will always wonder what could have been... So if you're ever riddled in rhyme by an alice in wonderland demon asking to let me go, kindly please just say no!

anger

Why so angry as I cry... Its my sickness that does me this way... It leads me into false beliefs... Thinking irrationally and delusional things... I can't help that I'm up then down... I can't not worry and stress all the time... My mind constantly races every thought gets bigger... Yes I have breakdowns... I fear abandonment and am overly dependent... I obsess and compulsively do things I shouldn't... I fear people as if they were demons... I'm paranoid about everything and often think oddly... I have delusions that confuse my reality... I slip away and disassociate when it gets to hard to handle... I know its a lot to deal with every day... But there's no need for yelling and saying mean things... No need for hitting walls and screaming at me... It only makes it worse and it scares me... What happen to calm collected knows exactly what to do... Never yelling or screaming but speaking in a soothing voice... Someone that held me through the pain and didn't leave me crying for hours on end... You are worn thin... Patience is gone...given up hope that all this will be gone... I need the old you back asap...the pain this is causing me is really hurting me... Don't get mad when I confuse a delusion scream at me and hit and throw things... I'm sorry if I thought it was real I honestly did not know better... Please something make me better... I'm ruined and damaged... I making him insane and he can't handle much more... I'm asking for hope to change... I'm asking for the skills to make it work... And I'm asking for love and patience from my dearest love one...

i wish i was better and not worse... going along a path of broken dreams and tired expectations.... where ever i turn seems like another corner not a door. what ever happened to me... ive become lost... im not who i used to be... former being of myself... nothing excites me anymore... i feel old and tired and my soul is gray... my heart beats at a broken rate.... time has not repaired my wounds they feel fresh as if they just happened... i cant let go of anything... they linger and i react often... my mind has its own controls running on automatic... when i wanna believe in something it denies those actions... when did i get this bad to where i am helpless? often giving in before it happens... i wanna be vibrant beautiful again... something to look at... not something to laugh at... i am embarrassed of myself... dont wanna be seen... no self confidence... ugly as can be.... my unbreakable love is being broken... slowly withering apart... devastating me... this wasnt how it was supposed to be.... how great it once was and now its falling apart... my worst fear is losing him and i cant handle that thought.... im sick and it hard to deal with me... im a challenge everyday... i apologize for being such a burden.... and not getting past things.... somethings i cant help and i really do try.... i wish more people were understanding.... and more patient with me.... i cant handle more pain in my life it hurts and sets me back... sometimes i wish i could just change instantly... i honestly dont give a shit about me i mostly do it for you... if i had one wish it would be to fix my mind... im sorry for my mistakes... im sorry for my disease... im sorry for always crying and losing it completely, im sorry for being sleepy, im sorry for not keeping up with house work, im sorry for making you feel like you need to be caged, im sorry im not better, im sorry im not skinny, im sorry i have no motivation, im sorry im not perfect for you, im sorry that i have so many damn mistakes, im sorry i cant make it through a party all night, im sorry i cant hang out throughout a whole night, sorry im not more supportive, sorry im not taking care of myself, im just plain sorry for just about everything....

pickle

take the path thats better my friend where your at peace and it never ends... we'll help you get away from  all the fear and all the pain... we'll make it so that you can disappear come with us and never die.. we can fix her just give us time... dont pull her away with that smell of the man... we just need time to operate the controls.. rid the memories that haunt her soul... we are not demons or devistation of kind... we are helpers that you deny.. we can fix her in every way take away the sadness and all the pain... we cant get in without you letting her go... dont pull her out till she comes too... it might be risky she might not be the same... but our offer is helpful and we bring no pain... quit feeding her pills every time we get a chance... let her just be and let her go for once.... we will be careful cause the brain is sensitive... let us in oh please oh please... we are here suffering too... we are the power we control the mind... but she is broken let her be mine... our power is beyond your words your pills and anything you can throw at her.... we can show her how to live you just must let us in...

my time has come

i failed you
as your words break my heart
im an inconvenience
im always falling apart
you think you need to be caged for my happiness
to give up hopes and dreams
maybe your better off without me
maybe everyone will be happier without me it seems
i havent felt this low in such a long long time
im comparing you to doug the fuck
its so devistating i can hardly take it
i think im worn thin and outta luck
i feel them inside speak
i can feel the darkness grow
i feel him breathe down my neck
saying its time to go
i cannot take the pain of knowing
that im a ruiner of life
that i might never be better
this life will not suffice
i think i will go away
make it better for you
you might miss me at first
but that will go away soon
i will miss my poor pug
that i cherish so deep
maybe someday in some life
again we will meet
i thought we were soulmates
forever to be together as one
but you seem to hate me
and this life will be done
i will not fail this time
nor shall you watch me die
i will do it in silence
i will not say good bye
i will plan it carefully
make sure all is in place
please take care of the puppies
and lets hope im somewhere safe
i thought id never do this
ever ever again,
even made a promise to you
but im worn to damn thin
i cant take her
i cant take the sadness
i cant take the pressure
i cant take your frustration
im at the end of my ropes
i am meaningless
and obsolete
used to be something
now just a dead beat
i think youre falling out of love with me
more and more everyday
not understanding of my sickness
and take it out on me with with mean things you say
you used to be so calming
my helping hand
but now it seems you help cause my meltdowns
you arent the same man
so why stay here
in a hopeless world
where im not wanted
so if i choose to leave this world
its not cause i didnt love you
the world was too much and i tore us apart
and that broke my unforgivable heart

me and andy's song

Were in this together now Nin

I've become impossible
Holding on to when

When everything seemed to matter more

The two of us
(All used) all used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows
Down the path we have chose

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow

You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you

Awake to the sound
As they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in

Well, they've got to kill what we've found
Well, they've got to hate what they fear
Well, they've got to make it go away
Well, they've got to make it disappear

The further I fall I'm beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound, I'm inside you
Forever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow

You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you

The world is gone, we have to hold on
The world is gone, we have to hold on
The world is gone, we have to hold on
The world is gone, but we can hold on

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow

You and me
Even after everything
You're the queen and I'm the king
Nothing else means anything

i do not want this nin

I'm losing ground
You know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way
I'm always falling down the same hill
Bamboo puncturing this skin
And nothing comes bleeding out of me
Just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
Two feet below the surface
I can still make out your wavy face
And if I could just reach you
Maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

Don't you tell me how I feel
Don't you tell me how I feel
Don't you tell me how I feel
You don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
Don't tell me that you care
There really isn't anything now, is there?
You would know, wouldn't you?
You extend your hand to those who suffer
To those who know what it really feels like
To those who've had a taste
Like that means something
And oh so sick I am
And maybe I don't have a choice
And maybe that is all I have
And maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

Don't you tell me how I feel
Don't you tell me how I feel
Don't you tell me how I feel
You don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

lost

Lately my writings haven't been that creative and flowing without add meds... But I'm gonna give it a go... This will be terrible for a heads up... This is a scrambled mind trying to make a thought... I almost lost you here today... We said somethings we shoudnt say... I didn't mean to be hurtful and harsh...this is us nothing will break us apart... I thought you'd be happier with me going away... But you said no amd wanted me to stay... I don't wanna ruin you're dreams you hold true... But you said I'm more imoportant too.. I will hide my hurt and push it aside... In the shower I will cry... You're happiness means more to me.... I just wish you knew the hurt I see... But we might be fragile at this point in time.. We will repair ourselves and one day be fine... I'm willing to pick up what's fallen on the ground...you will make it big one day in this town...I hope my feeling is wrong for once...you'll never leave me and we'll remain together as one... You are truly the love of my life and no one can take you're place... Hold my hand as we take on this place

she the breaker of me

there she is everywhere i see. how great and perfect she is... and im just me... cant hide these feelings that im slipping away... gotta keep it all inside... so he doesnt break away... i dont wanna see her, i dont wanna know her, i dont wanna be around her, i dont wanna hear about her...

if it comes to where i can make it through the day... i might just have to leave and let fate take it path... then i wont ruin fyi... cause obviously thats more important than i.... dont bring others down when asking for help right???

they dont know how it hurts... when the most important person in your life... feels like he might leave over this despite... im completely heart broken... i cry every night... the feeling wont go away... i just dont know why... i think right now i just rather die.... i cant take it not one bit... no matter what they say it hurting me completely... im in shambles.. having nightmares every night... my heart feels broken... maybe i should go out of sight... it would make everyone much happier in the end... wouldnt be the cause of andy leaving then they could be together in the end... i cant take this pain for the rest of my life... please just disappear and then it will be alright...

wrong way

Seems like whatever I do isn't good enough, or wrong... I try to help and a cold shoulder I get... I hate when things feel like there's hate in the air... When you feel uncomfortable sharing air... How can a simple little green herb cause so much peace between two beings... I don't think he can stand me without being high... Every word I say seems fustrating and when I try to help its nevermind... I feel like a annoying beast from beyond... I feel like I have to be silent... To keep away, I feel uncomfortable constantly thinking he's mad...

birthday blues

Lately I haven't been writing anything creative cause I don't have any adhd pills, hopefully that will change march 10th...but my birthday is april 3rd... Last year I pretty much spent it alone... My mom and grandma ditched me on dinner leaving just me and andy to enjoy my free dinner at banditos... After my 30 minutes out, I came home all dressed up on a saturday night laid down and cried... I had no friends to come hang out or meet up with... No where to go, don't really do bars (non drinker)... I got no presents, no cards, and barely any of my "friends" wished me a happy birthday on fb...I still don't have many friends and even if I thought of something to do, prolly no one would show and it would be boring and I'd get anxious cause I was a bore... I don't want my 29th to suck...I wish I was more part of a group...

the sun has set

Its rained long enough here... My umbrella has broke... I have suffered way too long... It doesn't seem like life has much more to give me. My place is dark and the light is gone... Hope I once had has just faded because I'm giving up... I will not kill myself, or overdose on pills... I just wish for quick kidney failure, so I can be gone. I cannot eat, my worries so strong... My heart is broken and my relationship becoming shattered...I feel empty with no will to try... The one thing I held on to seems to despise me... He makes me cry, and gets frustrated, says things that are hurtful that he never had before, he must be sick of me....my pug doesn't wanna lay with me I'm treated like a diease...what do I have to live for anymore when everything is in pieces? I don't think ill be fixed. Or ever get through this sadness... Andy will forever suffer all my madness...I'm taking away his dream because I'm scared of losing him... If I was gone... Everyone would be happier...people say its all in my head... Fuck you assholes! Just get over it, yea I'd like to... I wish everyone would go away and let me live my life... If you don't understand me keep your fucking mouth shut! I hope my end days aremt long periods of suffering like most renal failure is... I hope it quits in my sleep and I never wake againm

non believers

if you believe that this is just because
you are sorely mistaken and not the only one
i do not want this mess of emotions
i dont want this life full of depression
if it was so easy to just let go
dont you think i would have done it buy now
why hang on to all the things that hurt
im not a sick freak that enjoys the ride
i wanna be better
but im strucken ill
i take all those fucking meds "i dont need"
cause they help me get by
why does it matter to you
what i do
its not your life let me be and do what i do
even if those pills are just made of sugar
and its all in my head that its making me better
then why not let me take the damn things
isnt my happiness supposed to be an important thing?
im sick of hearing just let it go
im sick of hearing just get over it
if it was that easy to let it go...
i would have packed it up long ago and shipped it the fuck off
lost iy in memories where i wouldnt remember...
never bring it up ever...
quit telling me to silence myself...
everyone needs an outlet
except the souless
sorry im not perfect
fake likesome
making others miserable by being so unconcerned
what if im crying out for a help in desperate need
what if you ignore me
and i kill myself the next day?
so what right? im just crazy
what if it was just one person i needed to listen to me....
we feel emotions stronger than you were not empty inside and cold to the urn
its  a matter of being sympathetic...
give a listening ear... being important to someone...
then they need you near and dear...
quit feeding your bullshit that they are just playing a game
that its all in their head and just to get the fuck over it...
it does no good to a sick person when no one understands...
sometimes we truly believe that this day is the end...
we worry about stuff that seems silly to you but to us its a reaslity and its all becoming true...
we cry tears that hold pain and regret
but crying to you is such bullshit...
i hope one day you feel a sadness so deep that the day is long and you weep
i hope it eats you like a disease.
fills you heart and soul with blackness
and you see the end become...
you feel the hope leave your life
i hope you feel that life is not worth it and waking up is a curse...
just so you know for a moment that this is a real fucking disease not just a measly head game.

why even act concerned when u could give a fuck less?

Why do people ask are you ok, you say no and explain a lil why you're down... Hey either don't respond, tell you to get over it, quit dragging others down,so why even act like you care anyways... If you don't have the decency to be kind to a person in shambles, great idea make them feel more like shit... Thanks to those people

writing to air

No one wants to join my blog... Maybe it was a stupid idea... I have 2 followers... I posted on both facebook accounts my blog address no bite... I would love for people to read my writings get opinios... I know I just started but no one seems interested in subscribing and having interest in what I write... Maybe I'm just not worth it andy more...maybe my writing sucks...should I give up my dream too!

The Lonely Man Written 11/23/98

There stood a lonely man sitting in the darkest corner of his cold empty room. All the bright lights turned out. The solid wood floor was freezing in which he sat. He shivered slightly as he crawled into a defenseless looking ball. Not a single person seemed to care. There was no on there to stop his shiny warm tears falling from his face. He cries tears that are full of pain, regret, haunting memories, and the fright that has blackened his soul. His hands were shaky while he was digging his dirty broken nails into his back, just to feel puncturing of the flesh. His arms grasped himself tightly as if there was no tomorrow. No one seemed to understand all of the pain he was going through. His own self image began to fade away until he saw nothing in the reflection in the mirror. As he brought his fist forward, he broke that mirror, slicing his had deeply and bleeding the pain with blood. Pieces of that broken mirror reflected the moonlight that had been phasing its way through the dirty window and unto his face. He brings those old cold shaky hands they feel so heavy and oh so old, he rushes them forward wiggling his fingers with might pulling away all the dead hair hanging from sorrowed face. Then he wipes the wetness from his face, smearing dirt of unwashed hands. His eyes no longer a sparkling blue but a deep dark gray, so gray you could see the rainy skies within. He sees all his hope has run dry. He cannot find the light. He is now finally ready to say his good bye. If only one person was there, one person to seem to care, only one. His shivering stops and he slowly closes his grey eyes.... the moonlight fades away slowly. the warm tears turn cold. he takes that final breath all alone and his warmth goes cold.

Angel From Hell

angel from hell why ring my bell
have you no mercy you place on my life
i am young but life is all i have to suffice
when was it decided that i deserved a life of pain
when was it when i denounced my faith?
i am no angel but i dont deserve this
why all this pain and suffering all this hate?
can a candle burn out before its wick is gone
wax melting so quickly these days this could be my last song
i never had a chance to become
but change is needed to live life some
sleep overcomes my aching soul
eating at me making a bigger vacant hole
i live in fear that a day will come
where my body goes into shock the toxins take control
i admit that i have done bad
not taking care of myself and that makes me sad
angel of hell why do you wanna sell
death to me so soon
it could be tomorrow it could be never but who really knows
i dont feel well and my body is aged
i cant go out anymore i feel caged
i dont wanna be a zombie with all the pills
feeding them in my body to the void it fills
cant feel but i dont want whats real
but i miss out on the feelings of intense love and gratitude
i forget to show how much i love all the things that andy does.
realizing i wasnt living life for one
was the most heartbreaking this ive known
knowing that for all these years he has been watching me die
has broken my heart is unforgivable and made me cry
deep inside feel broken shattered and unfixable
im lost inside i dont know where to go where to turn or how to survive
my hope is lost into a place that has a lock and key
that key has been lost for years and can only be found by me

i

mistake

spills over like milk on a counter... your feelings being hurt... every waking minute they compile in to more misery... i cant help this feeling i have. im causing all this and im the faulted... tear the skin away and see the vein have become empty because i bled out the life i once had. threats scare me and losing stabilty ruins me... i am not strong. i am in shambles wondering where the pieces have gone. they have been devoured by the fear... nothing soothes me... nothing makes peace in my mind... i feel so crazy and so damaged... as if who would want me... whatever i was is lost and has been replaced by a medicated maniac... i want things to be right... i want my kidneys back... i want the narcolepsy to go away... i want not to have sleep apnea and not sleep with a breathing machine so i can cuddle with andy at night.... i dont wanna be a zombie but i cant hanle all my emotions... i wanna be better but ive been trying for 10 years i dont think theres a fix... just a numbing agent... so why carry on when everything is hopeless and your life is empty? because i have andy and my dogs... but im in constant fear my dogs will die, and now i fear andy is fading away... ive made a huge mistake... i shoulda kept my pain to myself and never said anything about matti and cried in solitude and let it eat at me... im not myself... im not even hungry and barely ate in 5 days... i just dont care....

end is drawing near

the aches it gives the pain i feel the knowing that something isnt right. where do you decide if it just your mind when you know the signs from before. the days are long restless no sleep. eating is scarce because i am damaged in heart... the fear of death the fear of failure in a body part i cant lose. and you hate yourself for not living life but living the sickness instead. and when this kidney fails i will regret all that i didnt do before. i am damaging myself i dont follow through... i seemed to have given up the fight already. i sleep all day, i cant make it through a night out, my life is bare and alone. im 28 and i have all these medical problems is this my punishment for not believing in your god? i fear the life after cause i have no faith, i do not wanna decay in the ground. Im so sick and i try to fight it... im scared to go get the tests done in fear of results... the last time my kidneys ached like this it was cause it failed and needed removed... i dont think i will survive a 5th surgery my chance is running thin... how long on a transplant list while being on dialysis? i hide it from my family... i just wanna make it through... it could happen anytime,... just quit on me... and im doing nothing to improve... i have to live for 2 people now i realized... im not alone anymore... poor andy has to watch this all and wonder whats gonna happen next... i have to do better for the both of us, take better care... but so much is going on im driving myself insane.... im so upset ill lose andy... not by his own choice... theres this girl i have a bad gut feeling about and i feel like if he keeps hanging out with her, hes gonna start liking her and choose her over me, you can help who you like... and he says i have nothing to worry about... but this girl wont go away cause shes now apart of his lil group. i get to hear all the guys talk about how hot she is... here i am fat and gross. lame and left out of the crowd... but even if i was apart id prolly be too tired anyways... so complaining is pointless, its just the matter of the fact i guess.  i have this terrible gut feeling that i get right before im told ive been cheateed on.. or the same gut feelings about girls i knew were trouble and were later cheated on... ive never been wrong... its making me sick to death... im having nightmares about it... i cant eat or sleep. my biggest fear over death is losing andy... how do you make that guy feeling go away... i trust him but i dont trust the way nature takes course... i was jealous at first when i met her then i got over it then soon as i saw she joined that group my stomach fell to the floor... now andy threatens to quit all together... sell his equipment because i am sad over it... it makes me feel worse... i just wanted to tell him how i felt... so threats of leaving the group and music that he loves so dearly to resent me forr the rest of his life... i dont wanna be this upset about i dont know why i am... i got over it before and now im just seriously fucking ill... me and andy used to have the perfect relationship now were falling apart.... he goes out all the time, consumed with music, i feel completely alone... i feel like im becoming no longer his perfect mate and were losing touch... the pain is wretched inside me... i can barely hang on... i dont wanna feel like this and it hurts me when he talks to her... im fucking crushed... i dont know how im going to handle this... im seriously gonna have to leave him before he quits music... i cant ruin a dream... id rather be heartbroken and lifeless then take away his passion and have him hate me in the end... i need some fucking advice and no one can help me about it...

where wanders cry

Bright the dreary rain it pours, 

nothing seems to be the same anymore...

As if i spoke too soon out of turn,

this displaced mask sears and burns...

I see a new face emerge from dust,

only to find myself in disgust...

broken eyes of mystic glares of insecurity,

brought me to my knees of all my impurity...

Daze a day that lasts an eve,

carry all your worries and draw them upon me...

I can see the rust begin to show,

Im growing old theres no more, i cannot grow...

hollow heart fills the hole,

once left by a saddened soul...

It eats my purest feelings that still lure inside,

it kills the fight i once had to provide....

for now i hide in ash and dirt,

only to be left here in such hurt....

raven kerns 12/6/10 

missing person 12/6/10

i am searching for this person i lost long ago... 

have you seen this person im searching for?

i seemed to have lost me long along the path... 

between the demons and the darkness

but i cant seem to get the math

somewhere i used to be great 

with a person that fed the will

the need for importance

not dependent on these pills...

used to have a smile

with a wild gazed stare

eyes that were engaging

now im living in a nightmare...

i used to laugh but now i cry

followed by long depth of sadness

and the need to die...

nothing has ever been 

quite the way it was

free from all the worries

battling the cause. 

terrified that i will 

never be the same

death has fallen on me

the devil has finally came...

search for me the past is live

any second i could pop up

catch me if im still alive... 

find me smiling 

laughing out there

careless

needless 

shining through

for i will not give up my search

for what was better and loved

the greater me the stronger me

the power to be above.

space invader 12/6/10

i write abstracts... theres only a few that really get them sometimes... i like people to make their own story out of it and get their own meanings.... hope you enjoy>

She stands upon an empty room, she recognizes many feelings. These are not long past notions that one can be summoned to regress into a place to be called upon. They wish for her to show the ways of simplicity. They call upon a strength of utmost power. Near be a control that fathoms the dangers and awakes the demons that lure in the depth below. An ancient time it seems for one to be so strong. A day of moons have past the sun and earth had born with the sun. No later are we the criers of the night. We seek the wisdom of the meek but we know the greatness it keeps. This mind holds a treasure, the enlightenment of love. No one can break it… it as solid as the stars. But darkness passes and heavy breath preys upon the neck. She stands there helpless, they just cannot break his path. Why nurse a being with such detrimental fate? We are not the worthy ones sudden ache fast pace. Where the sun rises and the moon collides with the horizons darkest night, it greets with a mindless intuition that it has become the liars master. With all its glory and reserve, his strength can only be powered from within. a devils sidekick passion, that only she can let in. 

Mother mayhem 12/6/10

I have repaired things with my momma... this was in a night of disappointment and depression.... was more upset at my brothers dad than my mom....

Mother, mother, things unsaid

This terrible childhood

Im mislead

You left me alone

To bear his will

His mean down pours

My head he filled

You were supposed to protect

Take me under your wing

Instead you through me out with the dogs

Now this birdie cant sing

It could be worse

You’ll always say

When youre six

It’s the worst damn day

Now im damaged

Cant move beyond the past

Thinking of what I am

And how you put me last

Savage wild beast become

An intense being from within

Dares to take me out

Scarce is me from lived in sin

Broken down im tortured still

Breaking pieces falling at will

Momma why do you leave me like this?

Searching for answers

Left adrift

I needed you

You weren’t there

 I always thought

You just didn’t care.

Disassociate 12/6/10

Rush. Assemble before. This is what you been waiting for. The pulse of a rapid heartbeat. Everyone needs a rush but not one like this… a single second in time, every ounce in you becomes numb… where have you gone? The nimble fingers paralyzed and the eyes become vacant. The waste of a overcrowded worried mind fills with emptiness and becomes a wasteland. There is no one here to help you through.. this is just you and you alone. When the demons start to arrive and lost forgotten memories pour down like a spring’s eve rain fall you cant help but become sad. The loneliness fills the soul and the heart begins to break. This somewhat fragile state becomes the moment when you either rise or fall… knees are weak and body is limp and you crumble to the floor. It’s a matter of will if you will see another day. Days and nights become one and days are unknown… Power through it… become more… this is the time that demons die… fight the pressure wake the heart… fate has brought you here… just walk it off….

eww me

What I see

is just not me

I look

I stare

I am unaware

Of this shape

This size

This is my demise

I do not see

Beauty

But I see

A beast

Terrified the girth

 will grow

over exaggerated

overflow

how to I stop

the demon inside

the thoughts

where do I hide?

I don’t suppose

You know a path

A different route

To dispose my wrath

how did I become

what disgusted me so bad

the disease in me

has made me so sad

For Danielle 12/6/10

oh angel in disguise do not bare this sadness, anger, please do not cry....if my wings could fly me there, id take your sadness, i'd fill your will, id bear your pain as if it were my own... to give you sanity and freedom from it all...

youre tired heart beats a new pace...

broken pieces all over the place...

im here to pick up what i can,

they will cut our fragile hands...

but we can fight this

you just need

a helping hand,

and that is me!

we'll find a place to put all the parts,

begin to fill the hollowed out heart...

a being such as you should always know,

that you are never never all alone....

though secluded and days are long,

you show no weakness and remain strong....

I embrace your courage and the will to push on,

you are truly an inspiration and a terrific mom...

I love you and hate to see your pain,

through the wreckage you remain...oh angel in disguise do not bare this sadness, anger, please do not cry....if my wings could fly me there, id take your sadness, i'd fill your will, id bear your pain as if it were my own... to give you sanity and freedom from it all...

youre tired heart beats a new pace...

broken pieces all over the place...

im here to pick up what i can,

they will cut our fragile hands...

but we can fight this

you just need

a helping hand,

and that is me!

we'll find a place to put all the parts,

begin to fill the hollowed out heart...

a being such as you should always know,

that you are never never all alone....

though secluded and days are long,

you show no weakness and remain strong....

I embrace your courage and the will to push on,

you are truly an inspiration and a terrific mom...

I love you and hate to see your pain,

through the wreckage you remain...