end is drawing near

the aches it gives the pain i feel the knowing that something isnt right. where do you decide if it just your mind when you know the signs from before. the days are long restless no sleep. eating is scarce because i am damaged in heart... the fear of death the fear of failure in a body part i cant lose. and you hate yourself for not living life but living the sickness instead. and when this kidney fails i will regret all that i didnt do before. i am damaging myself i dont follow through... i seemed to have given up the fight already. i sleep all day, i cant make it through a night out, my life is bare and alone. im 28 and i have all these medical problems is this my punishment for not believing in your god? i fear the life after cause i have no faith, i do not wanna decay in the ground. Im so sick and i try to fight it... im scared to go get the tests done in fear of results... the last time my kidneys ached like this it was cause it failed and needed removed... i dont think i will survive a 5th surgery my chance is running thin... how long on a transplant list while being on dialysis? i hide it from my family... i just wanna make it through... it could happen anytime,... just quit on me... and im doing nothing to improve... i have to live for 2 people now i realized... im not alone anymore... poor andy has to watch this all and wonder whats gonna happen next... i have to do better for the both of us, take better care... but so much is going on im driving myself insane.... im so upset ill lose andy... not by his own choice... theres this girl i have a bad gut feeling about and i feel like if he keeps hanging out with her, hes gonna start liking her and choose her over me, you can help who you like... and he says i have nothing to worry about... but this girl wont go away cause shes now apart of his lil group. i get to hear all the guys talk about how hot she is... here i am fat and gross. lame and left out of the crowd... but even if i was apart id prolly be too tired anyways... so complaining is pointless, its just the matter of the fact i guess.  i have this terrible gut feeling that i get right before im told ive been cheateed on.. or the same gut feelings about girls i knew were trouble and were later cheated on... ive never been wrong... its making me sick to death... im having nightmares about it... i cant eat or sleep. my biggest fear over death is losing andy... how do you make that guy feeling go away... i trust him but i dont trust the way nature takes course... i was jealous at first when i met her then i got over it then soon as i saw she joined that group my stomach fell to the floor... now andy threatens to quit all together... sell his equipment because i am sad over it... it makes me feel worse... i just wanted to tell him how i felt... so threats of leaving the group and music that he loves so dearly to resent me forr the rest of his life... i dont wanna be this upset about i dont know why i am... i got over it before and now im just seriously fucking ill... me and andy used to have the perfect relationship now were falling apart.... he goes out all the time, consumed with music, i feel completely alone... i feel like im becoming no longer his perfect mate and were losing touch... the pain is wretched inside me... i can barely hang on... i dont wanna feel like this and it hurts me when he talks to her... im fucking crushed... i dont know how im going to handle this... im seriously gonna have to leave him before he quits music... i cant ruin a dream... id rather be heartbroken and lifeless then take away his passion and have him hate me in the end... i need some fucking advice and no one can help me about it...