slip and slide

every waking moment theres a fear set inside. a day that i might die. i walk along unpatterned and untamed because i am rabid with insanity. i can not think a single thought without it turning into hell... the distance grows betweens us you are vacant im alone. i cannot eat because my stomach turns of the thoughts. she is there bothering me and i cannot help but freak out. theres a feeling down in my gut telling me its beyond my control... if i let you have contact with her i will lose you for sure. but yet it hurts me and you still remain that path... you threaten to quit music just to hurt me and make me feel bad. i am sadden that you feel that i am not sick... i have yet 1 kidney that is terrible shape and renal failure is my fate. do you not know the fear i hold not knowing when it will go... if i will get a transplant how long will i have to go? dialysis and sickness just like my poor grandpa went through... toxins filling up in your body cause your kidneys dont filter them through... narcolepsy that cripples me to sleep all day... sleep apnea to make me even more tired throughout the day... so tired that even getting a glass of water seems like such a chore, holding in a bathroom break just to sleep a lil more... sleeping so long that you cant get out of bed and almost wet youreself...what about the severe depression the bipolar the social anxiety the borderline personality disorder the adhd the ocd the generalized anxiety the paranoid delusions the extreme dependency.... the mass amounts of pills ive taken the shocks to my brain ive had done... im clearly not healthy. if anyone had any idea of how hard it is to get out of that bed everyday knowing i have to suffer with myself and all this stupid shit in my head and the fears... every shooting pain in my back i think my kidney fails... when i get ill i think my kindeys arent filtering... the excessive sleeping and the inability to do and fucking thing... i feel like a prisoner... but no im not sick... right? i can barely take another day of this insane mess i am... i am wandering down a path that leads to the dark ends of a final rest... the distance in between the us the growing hate or whatever.. we cant talk to each other... we never spend time together... maybe you are right maybe music has drove us apart but i cant be responsibe for taking away your dream... you will hate me someday... youre always in one room im in the other you go to shauns or the clubs i cant last an hour... i dont have the strength i wish you could see im too sick for it anymore... and the music is really messing us up because of her now... i cant stand the idea of them being in the same room... it fucking breaks me in half... and its like oh well... i would never do that to him... if it was literally tearing him apart c'mon.... im not asking him to quit... i dont even know what i want him to do i dont want him around her... its not good... he just doesnt know it and i can feel it... ive never been wrong about these feelings... my love of my life is disappearing into his dj world with her... im left behind cause i cant stay out till 5 am... i dont wanna go to shauns 4 times a week... possibly more... music consumes him... he used to come home and lay with me on the couch... wed often stay home... and i wouldnt have to worry about social anxiety and sleepiness... and being an elephant... i fear im no longer good for him... i dont wanna have to go away... i love him more than anything in this world... hes my everything... hes my glue... but all this is breaking me down and i have fallen apart and i dont know how to pick up the pieces all by myself... i need his help too... but he gets upset and just says hes an asshole and nothing gets solved... lately hes been saying mean things... he used to never be mean... its like hes fed up with me... he used to never make me cry... what has happened? i wanna rewind... my perfect relationship is a mess... i might be losing him... i fear that more than death itself... i hope he sees that i get upset when he leaves cause i never get to see him when hes home... im lonely... i want to cuddle on the couch... i want kisses... i need to feel that youre still there...