mistake

spills over like milk on a counter... your feelings being hurt... every waking minute they compile in to more misery... i cant help this feeling i have. im causing all this and im the faulted... tear the skin away and see the vein have become empty because i bled out the life i once had. threats scare me and losing stabilty ruins me... i am not strong. i am in shambles wondering where the pieces have gone. they have been devoured by the fear... nothing soothes me... nothing makes peace in my mind... i feel so crazy and so damaged... as if who would want me... whatever i was is lost and has been replaced by a medicated maniac... i want things to be right... i want my kidneys back... i want the narcolepsy to go away... i want not to have sleep apnea and not sleep with a breathing machine so i can cuddle with andy at night.... i dont wanna be a zombie but i cant hanle all my emotions... i wanna be better but ive been trying for 10 years i dont think theres a fix... just a numbing agent... so why carry on when everything is hopeless and your life is empty? because i have andy and my dogs... but im in constant fear my dogs will die, and now i fear andy is fading away... ive made a huge mistake... i shoulda kept my pain to myself and never said anything about matti and cried in solitude and let it eat at me... im not myself... im not even hungry and barely ate in 5 days... i just dont care....