i wish i was better and not worse... going along a path of broken dreams and tired expectations.... where ever i turn seems like another corner not a door. what ever happened to me... ive become lost... im not who i used to be... former being of myself... nothing excites me anymore... i feel old and tired and my soul is gray... my heart beats at a broken rate.... time has not repaired my wounds they feel fresh as if they just happened... i cant let go of anything... they linger and i react often... my mind has its own controls running on automatic... when i wanna believe in something it denies those actions... when did i get this bad to where i am helpless? often giving in before it happens... i wanna be vibrant beautiful again... something to look at... not something to laugh at... i am embarrassed of myself... dont wanna be seen... no self confidence... ugly as can be.... my unbreakable love is being broken... slowly withering apart... devastating me... this wasnt how it was supposed to be.... how great it once was and now its falling apart... my worst fear is losing him and i cant handle that thought.... im sick and it hard to deal with me... im a challenge everyday... i apologize for being such a burden.... and not getting past things.... somethings i cant help and i really do try.... i wish more people were understanding.... and more patient with me.... i cant handle more pain in my life it hurts and sets me back... sometimes i wish i could just change instantly... i honestly dont give a shit about me i mostly do it for you... if i had one wish it would be to fix my mind... im sorry for my mistakes... im sorry for my disease... im sorry for always crying and losing it completely, im sorry for being sleepy, im sorry for not keeping up with house work, im sorry for making you feel like you need to be caged, im sorry im not better, im sorry im not skinny, im sorry i have no motivation, im sorry im not perfect for you, im sorry that i have so many damn mistakes, im sorry i cant make it through a party all night, im sorry i cant hang out throughout a whole night, sorry im not more supportive, sorry im not taking care of myself, im just plain sorry for just about everything....